At a hastily assembled press conference this morning Hoppy Dearsley Global Head of Golf Things stood to address the awaiting press.

“Will Thomas be appearing today !?” shouted the one of the reporters.

“No , you are in the wrong room, Twat” responded MK Seve from the podium.

Dearsley continued.

“After much negotiation and other shenanigans we can now confirm the Players for the 2025 Portugal Tour.”

“The big news is that MK Seve , owner of SEVE BET and well known entrepreneur and the franchise Chairman will be on the first Tee in Vilamoura in May 6th 2025.

MK has returned from injury and has made a full recovery we are glad to say.

Joining MK will be 4 well known professionals:

Lord Chilly of Uzerlam , 5 times champion, Nigel Carby 2 times Champion, Hoppy Dearsley last years winner and Monty Monty (so good they named him twice) winner of the 2016 hedge award.

Also returning to the Tour will be Travel Guru Julian Winch who has signed up for the full 6 days in 2025 having disappeared in May this year after 3 days, whilst top of the leader board !

Another returning Player is Tony Dearsley (no relation) who will be back in 2025 travelling from his Spanish mansion with his popular caddy Terry.

And it is my pleasure to announce that the 8th member of the team in 2025 will be none other than Dougie Ogilvie direct from the Very Old Masters (VOM’s) Tour. Dougie has been playing in the VOM’s tour since 2017 and reports say that he has been outstanding !

Out…… standing close to Casinos, expensive restaurants, the Royal Albert Hall and other places of worship.

and there you have it ladies and gentlemen.”

At this point photographs of the new player Dougie Ogilvie were distributed and grasped eagerly by the press ensemble.

A rare picture of Dougie from the very successful 1978 Tour of The Isle of Purbeck.

Dougie is the one on the Right !

“What happened to the boy Rushall , and what about Charlie and Big Tony and Kingey!!” came shouts from a now unruly press corps.

“Sod off you lot ! ” responded MK Seve in his usual diplomatic style . ” This has been tricky enough without you lot getting involved now clear off before I call the Police !”

At this point Big K Shorrocks of Shorrock’s industries, joint franchise sponsors took centre stage.

“Thank you Chairman MK and welcome back.

I would like to add that the Shorrocks Contingent will be in Portugal in May 2025 as ever competing for the Super Bock Handicap Steaks with our full compliment and I must say we are looking forward to this years challenge and obviously hoping for no serious injuries this year.

I would like to add that Sir Roger has now made a full recovery and I have had the Villa completely repaired, almost.”

And with that the proceedings closed.

Full details of Competitions and Prize Fund will be released in the new year.