Dear Uncle Nigel – It’s That Time Again !!!
Dear Uncle Nigel,
Here we are again , and I write, again , on behalf of your many thousands of admirers to enquire if and when you will be giving us your 2023 Christmas message of Joy, Hope and Inspiration.
As we are all aware you are very busy at this time of year with all that lying about and doing nothing, apart from completely re building your house , obviously, but even so your Christmas message is awaited with baited breath by your adoring fans. (Is the plural of Fans , Fannies ?)
But first Nige , old chum, can you help with a bit of advice for a frustrated golfer who is confused by all the recent changes. Personally I have always struggled with my balls but that is for another time.
What is all this LIV and PGA and Greg Norman and the big Spanish boy, whatsiname stuff all about ? They are all millionaires , they get to play golf in the sunshine all over the world and all they do is bloody argue and disagree ! Just bloody get on with it , that’s what I say !
Lilian, down at our local Aldi , says she hates golf and has no idea who or what this is all about ! Sometimes I don’t know why I even involved her in these things.
But Cecil, who is a keen golfer , has a different view. Cecil blames it all on Strictly Come Dancing and the fact that they keep having two blokes dancing with each other !! He is enraged and regularly walks about outside the church on Sundays with a big placard saying “Stop the Gays !” He nearly had a heart attack the other day when his new Vicar turned up and she was a woman, he thought it was the old Vicar who had swopped sides !! Laugh ! some people nearly choked on their holy wine !
But Nige, seriously can you sort all of this stuff out. We just want a quiet life, bit of sunshine, no rain , unless we are not playing golf, and enough cash for a couple of beers after 18 holes. Is that to much to ask ?
As ever we look forward to your reassuring and pithy advice and guidance in these confusing times.
All the best,
Gary. (by email from matchoftheday.com)
Dear Gary,
Fuck Off You Twat !
PS: Will you do the show in your pants again if Leicester get back in the Premiership ?
