Faro Airport , lunchtime 7th May 2024 , they gathered.

7 men of note (Carby had flown in early for some sneaky practice) ready for the challenge that can only be described as a golf competition in Portugal.

MK Seve, injured Chairman and Seve Bet CEO, had arranged for a hologram of himself to appear to welcome the players at the airport but due to a programming error the minute it appeared it immediately went off and started abusing the Airport Security Staff ?!

The players settled in on the first day and attended the traditional Opening Address meeting at the legendary Oh Cafe, in uptown Vilamoura.

Vice Chairman Nigel Carby opened the meeting with the traditional abuse and Global Tournament Executive, Clive Dearsley, collected entry fees from the players and as ever the traditional scuffle broke out during the explanation as to why the entry fees were so high.

Dearsley was concerned that during the scuffle his new shoes, trousers, clubs , Rolex watch and new golf bag might get damaged so he quickly left the meeting to consult with his accountants and insurance brokers.

3 new players were in attendance this year , so it took a little longer to explain the competitions, handicap rules , dress code, playing order and what on earth the Super Bock Steaks were but following the administering of large quantities of Super Bock all went reasonably well.

After a quiet night the players arrived on the first tee at the magnificent Old Course.

After a desperate fun filled 5 hours in the sun the 8 returned to Solar du Golfe . Dearsley in triumphant mode sitting on 38 points everyone else enquiring, politely, how the spawny bastard did that !

Day 2 was Millennium and a chance for rooky Julian Winch to show the Tour what he was made of ! Turns out there was a Golfer hiding within and Julian punched in 36 points piping Dearsley by 1 point and taking the “IF” Classic and setting himself in the lead for the Portugos Classico (the first 3 days).

Day 3 and the sun shone on the lightning fast greens of Vale da Pinta as the Shorrocks crew joined the melee. Nigel, Charlie and Chilly were straight out of the blocks ! Nigel birdied the 1st and carried on to nail 41 points ! Charlie on 37 and Chilly back in the game with 36. But Julian hung in there with 34 points taking the Portugos Classico by 1 point from a frantic Carby.

At this point in the proceedings, even though he was leading the tournament, Julian, having collected his winnings from the first 3 days had a much better offer and flew off for a Norwegian Cruise. The rest of the Tour was stunned but once again the healing properties of Super Bock and Maceira Brandy seemed to calm them.

Historically after 3 days golf there is a day of rest but due to Big K Shorrocks demanding that his men should be able to visit their local Portuguese Fete the Players were forced to endure a 4th round on the bounce and this round was going to be at………………….Salgados !!

On arrival the Players were equipped with life jackets, whistles and survival packs and as they walked to the first tee it became clear that they were going to need all of this equipment. There was water everywhere ! Max was very much at home and early on he was offered a place as crew on a passing Schooner which thankfully he turned down. The day unfolded with Chilly on top with Mick R 2nd and rookie Simon Locock Third.  In the end casualties were light and the main tour players prepared for a day of rest.

Following the traditional festivities and the Entwistle Quiz the R&R obviously revitalised the remaining 7 as Laguna laid out before them offering sticky but fast greens , water and a stiff breeze.

Dearsley was back on it with Monty showing for the first time but no one else getting within 8 points points of first and second.

Simon was cautioned by the Police at one point when he went for yet another 245 yard over water carry using his very reliable 3 wood. The resulting air shot left Simon in a compromising position which the local gendarmerie luckily saw the funny side of and thank goodness no one was seriously injured or offended.

As the Players gathered around the 18th at Laguna, congratulating each other on surviving another day in the sun, the running order for the final days golf became clear.

Out in front with 149 points were Clive and Chilly, they had been here before. Nigel and Simon on 143 and Mick R, Monty and Charlie a few points behind. The scene was set for the final humiliation showdown at Pinhal !

Dearsley and Chilly had encountered each other on the final day on previous occasions and Chilly had won them all. All square they were today and off they went.

After 9 holes Chilly was feeling the pain, 5 shots down, depressed, grumpy , just like a normal  day then !  could he turn the tide ?

Dearsley would not be caught this time and slammed in an 18 point back 9 as Chilly slumped to 11 points with Nigel and Simon finding the going a little tough as well.

In the first group Mick R was surprising himself, which apparently happens quite a lot nowadays. He carved out 32 points thrusting himself into 2nd place ahead of Chilly, Nigel and Simon.

Dearsley was magnanimous as he addressed the throng on the 18th green.

“There were times when I thought this moment would never come but I bloody done it didn’t I !!!” he cried.

The crowd responded with enthusiastic applause and requests for a longer speech or perhaps a quiz but Dearsley was hurried away by his coach and accountant.  It was at this point that the French TV Network  TF1 arrived to interview Charlie Bend but sadly he was in the shower.

It had been a fantastic Tour. MK Seve’s Hologram appeared at the prizegiving with some old familiar Airport staff :

“Well done Team. I have been watching from afar and you have all done bloody well ! ” and with that he was off with his old friends and their police colleagues.

Full classified results :

 

Dearsley receiving The Trophy from Nigel Carby, 2023 Champion.

Nigel Carby won the 2024 Peter Crowhurst Celebration Trophy here being presented by French film icon Charlie B.

 

Same time next year then ?   Bloody good idea !!!