2024 The Very Old Masters Bournemouth – Dearsley Triumphs Again !
It had just turned midday on Friday 12th April 2024. They had travelled from all over the known Universe to assemble here at Crane Valley Golf Club, Yes, it is the 2024 Very Old Masters.
The VOM ranks were somewhat depleted this year as Tony Dearsley, keen European and Beer connoisseur, was missing from the starting line up due to a pressing engagement. But this was just the beginning of what was to turn into a weekend of injury, anguish and eventually triumph.
Crane Valley presented an interesting challenge for the 9 players who were striving for the 3 Trophies up for grabs over the weekend.
The traditional VOM’s Brunch did not go as well as in previous years as the catering staff were still involved in the previous weeks “Slowest Omelette In The World ” competition which came to a tumultuous conclusion as Joe walked onto the 1st Tee and was presented with the winning entry in what was hailed as a record time !!
The course was well prepared for a recreation of the Battle of the Somme which brought back some haunting memories for some of the payers who participated in that great conflict. The mud was, in places, impassable without tank tracks which, luckily, was no challenge for Jamie Dearsley who was well prepared in his Panzer 4 which he had purchased during last years event. Jamie led the Players round the first 9 but he then encountered an unexpected mine field and had to continue on foot for the back 9. Nevertheless Jamie came in with 32 points leading the field ahead of Bob and Jack, with Allan and Pete struggling with poor scores due mostly to being taken prisoner on the back 9.
Day 2 saw the going improve somewhat as the VOM’s headed for the familiar turf of Meryck Park. Buggies were not available again but the conditions had improved considerably and with handicaps adjusted for maximum thrust the mighty Bob Dearsley turned on the style and started to show his current form.
Then disaster struck after only 7 holes when Dougie Ogilvy, still suffering from the rigours of the hand to hand fighting at Crane Valley had to withdraw with fetlock issues. The nurses took him directly to the The Curzon Club local infirmary where he was treated with a hot poultice and a happy ending. Meanwhile as Clive, Pete and Ian fell foul of basically everything Joe, Jack, Allan and Jamie turned on the style and chased Bob in a close finish leaving Bob leading by 2 points ahead of Joe and 22 points ahead of Pete.
“It’s nuffin ! ” said Pete from the bar later. “22 Points Ha ! I’m not finished yet Pal !” as he was led away by his entourage.
A phone call at 7.30 am awoke the Global Tour Executive Clive Dearsley with news that Buggies would be available for the final round at Bulbury Woods. This came as a bit of a shock for the chap as he had not been awake that early for over 12 years.
Breakfast was served at Bulbury without any major issues, thankfully, but suddenly Allan announced that his foot had swollen beyond humorous description and that he would have to withdraw. This precluded Joe Dearsley from participating as Allan had gone off with Joe’s golf balls and the field was down to 6.
The remaining 6 strode onto the first tee with renewed confidence as now there was a chance that some of them could win something !
The day unfolded well for some and not so well for others. Pete K. took umbridge at the fact that a local farmer had left his favourite field fallow and proceeded to shower the area with golf balls in a fit of peak. He was later calmed by the locals and left with 2 nurses and a small lager.
Bob Dearsley meanwhile was conquering the course with some spectacular golf beating Clive by 2 points and finally beating Pete by 37 points over the 3 rounds.
“Did I miss anything” said Pete “I was over there in the field !”
The traditional prize giving took place in the new luxury accommodation provided for the Players by this years sponsors “DIY Disasters.com” but was a quiet affair following the departure of a third of the Players but they had left their wine and crisps behind so not all bad news.
Bob Dearsley repeated Jack’s Grand Slam Clean Sweep achievement of last year and won everything in magnificent style:
“I put it down to my silky smoothness and talent and not the spawny luck my detractors would have !” said Bob as he scooped all 3 Trophies and a considerable percentage of the prize pot.
“I would like to thank the organisers, my personal physician and nurses and my cheese dish which will be available shortly. I would also like to thank Carole, my lovely wife for Friday’s supper.” and with that and a wry smile he was off.
The Players were reminded that details of the Oxford Summer VOM’s would be announce shortly and that planning for the Autumn Spanish VOM’s was well underway. and that concluded the proceedings.
Bob Dearsley displaying his Trophies in a show of victoriousness.
Later images appeared of Allan’s injuries after he had told the Ayatolla 
